lostinabubble

Shit how the fuck am i going to manage an exam 2moro, well actually it is in like 9 hours! omg. i am freaking out here. ok i can't sleep, (havn't spelt for 2 nights at all and havn't had more than a few hours for the last month), i can't eat (because i can't bare the sight of food!), i constantly cut (everyday), and i keep passing out, purging and seeing stars. Ironically my exam is on sleep, and i havn't managed to get hardly any revision done. OH god i am going ot fail,. shit. Well i can't fail because i have been given this place now for uni. Why is everything so complicated, omg seriously. i wish i woul have been sucessful lst nite. then at least i would stop this agony which every1 else calles life. It is so hard to function when the only thing i want is to be at peace.

Ok i just saw this phrase and it just explains everything
Where can you run, to exscape from yourself???????????
it explains why i alway run and run and never look back, think that i am having a fresh start but then the same shit just re-occurs. /the only way is to end everything.

OMG i wish tears could drown you. And then i wouldn't be here anymore. The amount of crying i have done to day i might have just managed. I found out the hard way that however hard it is like nearly impossiable to drown yourself.

Ok from today i am going to post my hole life story onto my journal. This should make me so that things have to get better. Or maybe it will make me strong enough to get help. Still havn't eaten anything and i have got the point that i don't even feel wothy enough to eat. Like i'm not good enough for food. How stupid is that. My front is definatly not working and i am braking into ever hard to clue back together pieces.

Manage to catch up on some of the work i have to do before new year. I know i set myself hard targets for myself but the thing is i can't fail. I feel like every1 is against me and i have to prove myself to every1. I know that i will never except myself so maybe if other except my results i will love myself for it. I spend so much time just starring at the work i have to do, because i can't concentrate or working. So i don't even get that much done. I would have thought it would have been better to have something else apart from dying to focus on. But i can't even do that.

I am still on crutches which means that i can basically do fuck all for myself. Nightmare and i hate being dependent on others. My friends are amaxing at giving me lifts everywhere, but i hate it. It means that i am constantly being analysed and my front isn't working any more.

Yet again i sit here talking to myself and get nowhere, Just further into the terriable world of heather. I'll talk to myself again tomoro.

Why is life so hard, why am i such a failure, why can't i just cope, why does everything i touch always have to go wrong, why is everything i do so unsatisfactory, why have i let this rubbish go on for you long, why do people still love me, why did my last attempt fail so bad,

I am in so much shit. Because the only thing i can think about is dying my world has stopped. The thing is, everything else is stil moveing ariound me. I havn't eaten now for 10 days and that means that i find it well hard to concentrate on anything. Christmas just passed me by, but because i am still living at home i felt unconsious while in a state of fake happiness with all of the arifical pressents i got. I have lost everything i own as i keep forgetting where i have put everything. This includes my bank card, my phone, my keys, my sisters phone, my coat, my shoes. Basically everything that i need. So i haven't had my bank card in over 2 weeks and i haven't even called my bank for them to cancel my account. I failed to noticed that my family is braking up as my parents can't cope with the pressure of me! I didn't even notice the hell i am putting them through. They had a major go at me, because my room is a tip. I

I am at braking point especially as everything they said about me is true. They don't know that what they say isn't anything i havn't said to myself anyway. I'm not living, and even right now with blood pouring out of my wrists i don't feel pain, don't feel alive. Nobody knows how bad it has got because of all of the lies i have told to cover up the hell of a life i have led for the last year. I tell 1000 lies every day just to function, such as you ok? I am worried to talk to anyone to show weakness because i know if i even open my mouth i will just brake. I'm invissable to myself but not to others. The trouble i am in make my life realistic.

The fact that i have lost my bank card means that i could have lost every single penny i have ever earnt. I should care, I should care that i have lost my sister's phone and she is crying in her room because she can't ring her friends, i should care that i didn't even notice my parents marriage wasn't working, i should care that they are braking up and i am going to have to move home, i should care that my body is so messed up that i can't even see pure skin on any part of my body, i should care that my room is going to turned upside down and 1000 of secrets are going to be disclosed. I should care that my friends keep ringing me and i can't answer. I should care that i keep passing out, and i should want to stop spending my life in the loo being sick. But i don't.  Wtf can i do about it? I know it is non of your problems but right now i don't reck i can cope much longer and you are my only hope right now.  

Ok having a crisis her. because i have been having all of these panic attacks i haven't managed to get all of my work done. I havan't eaten in so long that i have no energy ever, and i don't sleep so i can't concentrate on anything. But the thing is that no-one really knowns that i'm going through hell. I am really good at hiding it, so everyone just thinks that i am being lazy and not getting all of my work done.

Understandly every1 is giving me a really hard time about everything, but i can't tell them what is going on. My friends have turned against me because they don't understand why i won't go out widthem in v evening any more and why i am always so quiet, my family r annoyed because they think i am being a stroppy teenager.

Wish i could know a way of making everything ok. I need help so bad but i am so scared about what will hapen to me. Especialy because loads of shit has happened to me in the past and i know that if it comes up then the police will have to be involved. Absolute nightmare

Ok this is me. Or is it? I'm so confused and unsettled that i don't even know who i am any more. Got so much on, but i have no reason to feel this down. Everything is just on top of me even though it isn't even that much more than normal.  Had this stupif breakup wid me ex. But the thing is that i have always felt really self conscious, really anxious and just really shy. But thing is that i really don't care that i am like that anymore. I can't do anything without going well red in my face and getting really embaressment, even stupid things.